The relationship that arises when we ask a question isn’t static and one-way. If I understood well, you’re saying that…? If I understood well, you feel that … 3. Re-stating what the other person said to see if you have understood it properly will add solidity to the conversation: What makes you say that? Why do you think that? Open-ended follow-up questions work best: Follow up with a questionĪ follow-up question shows you’ve been listening carefully and are interested in the answer you’ve been given. Interrupting will halt their train of thought and signal that you don’t value what they’re saying. Once your conversant has launched into their response, it becomes even more crucial to stay quiet, even if there’s a natural pause. If you can get comfortable with silence, you’re able to create an environment in which valuable responses will bubble to the surface. People like police and interrogators know the power of the pause and use silence to great effect. Often your interlocutor will have more information or thoughts, and bring them to the table - if you can be patient. Pause, stay quiet, and wait it out.Īnd when the other person has responded, wait some more. Be generous in making space for the answer. This can be nervewracking, which is why it’s tempting to babble as soon as you’ve put your question out there. Remember: by asking a question you create a space for the other person to fill. Own your question.Īsk for what you want and be prepared to get it. But don’t wrap it up in layers of qualifications. Of course, it’s important to be friendly, courteous and respectful in your tone and the way you frame it. They do everything but ask in the pursuit of avoidance. To know they’re the first/only person you thought of to help them is likely to set a little ego boost in motion.īeing one on a list of other respondents? Not so much. People love to feel needed, powerful and important. Focus on one or two people onlyīatting a question aimlessly around your network is bound to dilute its power, and runs the risk that nobody feels obliged to respond thoughtfully.Īsking one or two people who are well-equipped to answer your question is preferable to asking 20 who aren’t. Time pressure doesn’t help either - don’t squeeze in an important question at the last minute, when you’re in a rush or when attention and spirits are flagging. You want the other person’s full attention a query posed in a busy office, a bustling street or a crowded restaurant will be competing with other triggers and distractions. Our actions in life rely on external factors (location, weather, time of day) much more than most people realize. This will help you zoom on the heart of the question, and articulate it more clearly so you can understand what, precisely, you’re asking for. Whether you’re asking for a raise or the reasons why your line manager decided not to adopt your proposed strategy, jot down some notes, drill it down, put those thoughts that are bouncing around in your head on paper. If something matters, it’s worth preparing for. Ask your cab driver, your colleague, your postman pretend you’re three years old again. The more often you do something, the easier it gets. As Brene Brown eloquently makes that point in her TED talk on vulnerability, strong people ask - even if they feel a little shaky about doing so. These questions can make us feel vulnerable or feel like the weakest person in the room.Īnd yet, the opposite is true.
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